Love-Hate Relationship
by JoanIncarnate
Summary: Occasionally, on a particularly bad day, just sometimes Garcia really hates the BAU. Not in a I-am-leaving-and-never-coming-back-so-suck-it kind of way, but in a bitter and jealous way that is totally the antithesis of her sparkly self.


**WARNINGS: **MAJOR OOC (but it's necessary, you'll see), Angsty (?), Not for people who adore the sparkly effervescent Penelope Garcia

**DISCLAIMERS: **I don't own the TV show Criminal Minds or its character. I am but a mere fan who only owns this story.

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**"Love-Hate Relationship"**

Occasionally, on a particularly bad day, just sometimes Garcia really hates the BAU. Not in a I-am-leaving-and-never-coming-back-so-suck-it kind of way, but in a bitter and jealous way that is totally the antithesis of her sparkly self.

She hates Hotch for his stoic professionalism. Yes, she _knows_ that this job and this team requires the seriousness he brings that they face with every unsub but would it _kill_ him to just crack a smile now and then? He's a profiler, he should totally know how stressful it is working under a guy as tough-as-nails as him. She hates that he puts pressure upon himself to be so tough-as-nails, even as his world falls apart. She hates that he is afraid to show weakness to his own team, consequently making it hard for the team to show weakness to him.

She hates Rossi for his flippancy and fame. His worldliness and experience never ceases to make her feel insignificant. Rossi and his been there, done that attitude makes her feel like she isn't good enough for whoever he might mentally be comparing her to. She hates that he had to replace Gideon and that his presence just reminded them at first that they had been abandoned. The way his eyebrows raise ever so slightly at her outrageous outfits, so inappropriate for Quantico but the only way for her to be herself. She hates that she makes her feel ashamed for being herself.

She hates Prentiss for dying on them, and for being so noble, just sacrificing herself in order to keep the team safe. Safe from _what_? Certainly not from heartbreak, that's what's up. She hates her for being so strong, so amazing, so _Emily_. So completely superhuman and so completely a part of their little BAU family, that during those weeks when they all thought she was dead, Garcia felt like she had lost a sister. So much of a friend that when Emily left, she took a little piece of her life away with her. She hates that she knows Emily is happier now that she's been freed of the bureaucratic bull she's been putting up with all her life.

She hates Morgan- yes, Morgan too, because even Chocolate Adonis cannot escape from her fury. She hates that he's such a textbook alpha male, so much that he couldn't trust his team, his _family,_ enough to confide in them about Carl Buford. She hates that he makes her feel like one of those girls- those bimbos with more hair than flesh on their bones that the world seems to have a ceaseless amount of- when he makes her swoon with his confidence and charm. She hates how his flirty smiles and strong arms make her depend on him and how he won't let her do the same with him.

JJ gets her share of Garcia-fueled fury too. For being so much like her (both odd additions of the BAU, both blonde haired girls with a little more love than is good for them when it comes to the daily evil they encounter) and for being so much better than her (rising from communications liaison to being coveted by the freaking Pentagon then to profiler so proficiently). For being the physical embodiment of what she so desperately wished to see in the mirror during those angsty teenage years. For finding her happily-ever-after and Prince Charming in this gruesome field of work and managing so well. She hates that she looks at JJ's picture perfect family and fears that this job will tear it apart, just like it did to Hotch.

Reid, her little baby boy, her Boy Genius, her Junior G-man. She hates him too. Before the BAU and before Spencer Reid, she had always been the quirky genius. Not anymore. She hates him for that dark time with the Dilaudid, when he was going through all that and wouldn't tell anyone. She hates how he doubts his place on the team when he's such a valuable member- not just for his IQ of 187, but because he's their baby. It's the unspoken pact of the BAU that when you join the team, you unofficially adopt Spencer Reid. And she _loathes_ that he doesn't see that and feels the constant need to go above and beyond, to the extent of putting himself in danger, to fit in. She hates that her baby boy might one day wake up and be exactly what he has always feared: schizophrenic. She hates that he has to live with that fear and she hates that he thinks the team won't accept him if that does happen. She hates that as much as she and the team wants to protect him, if it ever comes to it, nothing can protect Reid from his mind. Not even this FBI employed Justice League.

She hates Alex Blake. Because she's so darn nice (in the good Samaritan kind of way, Lord knows that Garcia is going to be embarrassed every time the word comes up now) that she can't justify her hatred which makes it all the worse. Because she, like Rossi, represents change. And no, Obama, change is _not_ good- or at least not always. She hates that she just hit the ground running, yet another amazing addition to the team.

Elle Greenaway: gone but not forgotten. She hates her becoming her friend and family, then abandoning all of that- all of _them_. She hates Elle for dropping off the face of Earth, but not as much as she hates her for blaming Hotch and the team for not keeping her safe. Did Elle honestly not know that each member of the team felt guilt every day that she was in the hospital, or did she just not care? Garcia remembers how she wanted so badly to be one of the BAU. Her dream came true, only for her to realize too late that it had been a nightmare. Garcia hates that she is the perfect example of being careful of what you wish for.

Gideon. Jason effing Gideon. Wow. She probably hates him most of all. He always did scare her a bit with his intensity, and let's not forget the times he came into her office with _Chinese food_, for the love of all things glittery. (Honestly, was something wrong with his generation? Because Rossi had a lot of the same tech related gaps of knowledge at first.) Leaving coffee rings all over her software... she shuddered just at the memory of it. Other than that, she hated the man for the carnage he left when he just decided to vamoose. And right after Elle left too? Seriously! The man had _no _tact. Gideon never had to see the look on Hotch's face when he told the team that Gideon was not only gone, but never coming back. He didn't have to bear witness to the frustration and dismay coming from the rest of the team. He didn't watch as Spencer Reid slowly stepped back inside his shell and shut the rest of the team out. He- he- he broke the pact! That little oath-breaker _better_ not come back. If he dares show his face in the streets of Quantico ever again, Garcia is serving up a nice platter of "Penelope Marie Garcia _Wrath, _with a side dish of Fury" on the house.

She hates that they make her feel inadequate. When they go storming into crime scenes, they become warriors on a battlefield. She doesn't know when or if they'll be coming back to her and she doesn't know if she can cope with losing even one of her babies, because, yes, they're her babies. All of them. Even Mr. Uptight Hotchner and David Effing Rossi. Maybe especially them, because she damn well knows that they won't be taking care of themselves they way they need to be.

She hates them all for making her love them and worry about them. She hates that she loves them because it makes it hard for her to hate them. She hates them for making her hate them.

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Don't get me wrong, I adore Garcia. (She is so fun to write.) It's just that I don't believe that not everyone has a little bit of darkness in them. And this was all inspired by a classmate. He had to act out the scene "Domestic Violence" and he just couldn't wrap his mind around how someone could hate someone so perfect, and how someone can hate and love someone at the same time. So I spent the better half of the period trying to explain this to him with no success, which basically resulted in him not getting it at all and me feeling like a very ugly, twisted person.


End file.
